as i was speeding happily along the 210 this afternoon, the traffic suddenly slowed to a crawl. i looked ahead for an accident– there was none. instead, as i continued on, i saw laying on the freeway– headless dolls, stuffed bears, a magenta and green tortoise lying face down in the carpool lane. i drove past the rolling heads of the dolls i had just left behind, a brown bear and its drum– lying lifelessly on its side in lane 2.

oh the horror, the horror.

a little boy knocked impatiently at my front door. he had accidentally hit his ball over the wall and into our back yard– and asked if he could retrieve it. i opened the gate and let him in– and walked through the yard for the first time in ages. in the background i could hear the little boy’s father scolding him for losing his toy over the wall yet again– but i was lost looking at what was left of our yard. the ponds were emptied– the fish donated to the local temple, the plants brown and dying from the lack of care, the shrived kumquats on the tree that i once loved. the soothing sound of running water was gone– there was no longer any need for the waterfall or the pond filters.

i did see something that i had never noticed before– a lone pomegranate hanging from a thin, brown branch in the midst of the dried up plants. it was split open so that the bright crimson seeds inside looked like they were about to fall out. i should have taken a picture of it– the next time i return to the house it will most likely be gone. shriveled away or picked at by some bird. i expect that this will be the fate of everything else in the yard– my dad’s precious bonsai trees will disappear, the fruit on the trees will fall and litter the grass, the water plants around the pond will collapse into a sad heap on the ground. …and i will have nothing left but fleeting memories of sitting on the swing with my dad, chatting about nothing and dreaming up plans to make the yard even more beautiful than it already was.

it took me 2 hours to drive the 70-some miles home christmas day in the torrential rain. the visibility was low to nil– all i could do was slow down and hope that a car wouldn’t appear out of nowhere.

the christmas party was at co nga’s house this year– i think adam summed up my feelings when he said, “christmas sucks this year”. no fault to co nga or chu bing– cau dung’s family stayed home because co yen was ill, and without ba ngoai and my dad, the whole house just seemed empty. i thought i would break down in the middle of the party when it came time to take the family pictures. my mom felt ill and refused to be a part of it– but annie and i got it over with so they would stop bothering us. it’s just to early to be repeatedly reminded that our family has been reduced to three.

my dad was usually the center of the christmas party. every year he’d wake up early and get everything ready for the afternoon. i’d hear the vacuum at 8am, and smell the roast cooking in the oven. every year we’d buy way too much food– my mom and i would go to the grocery store for all the supplies– and my dad would come home from the same grocery store with twice what we had bought. paris by night was usually playing in the living room, and the kids were usually hanging out in the dining room near the tree. this year, the kids hid away playing video games in adam’s room, the adults whispered amongst themselves and ate quietly. there was none of the loud talking, laughing, or cheering this christmas.

not only was this the first christmas without my grandmother and my dad, this will be the first new year without my ryan in what seems like a long time. i suspect i’ll end up kissing the stuffed monkey co nga gave me for christmas.

as of now, my throat is irritated to the point where i constantly feel like i’m going to heave what small amounts of turkey i forced down earlier today. my head is throbbing, and my eyes are burning. i’m off to hide under my blanket and hope for a happier morning.

the only good thing? ryan got to michigan safely. he left me a long message on my cell. something about a long plane ride and a warm house. perhaps i’ll get to talk to him tomorrow sometime.

it’s the am on christmas morning. i’m sitting alone in my apartment nursing my sore throat. i’ve developed a cough as well. i think i caught a bug from my boy, who caught it from my sister… and the whole thing was aggrevated by the fact that i spent last night in a cold, cold room. i think ryan’s house was about 40F during the night– and i was stuck without my precious two-fly blankey.

so now i’m sick. ryan’s probably on the plane to michigan by now. after a hot shower and some tea, i’ll probably be on the road to simi. this time i’ll be prepared– mogu pillow, two-fly, and tea. oh the tea.

i came home this evening to find a happy present lying on the floor of my apartment. it was… a squishy, blue, marshmallow-shaped, mush of a pillow! i’m not sure what i’ll do with it yet, but i imagine it might come in handy for napping on those oh-so-uncomfortable chairs at school. it should be also good for: