EDIT: i’ve just finished reading a handful of reviews on this sad little camera, and i think it’s lost all of its charm for me. so sad! perhaps the next version will have less noise, a sturdier build, and more functions. till then… i keep my canon.

my newest interest: the nikon sq.
it’s SQUARE. it’s small. it’s SQUARE. it’s shiny. it’s SQUARE.it has a MACRO function. it’s SQUARE. it’s soooooooooo cute (and so square)! i have to keep telling myself NO. i’ve got to save for my dslr. must resist! methinks i’ll have to run down to my nearest camera shop to play with it, though. my s200 seems archaic now– so slow, so un-square, so tragically un-hip. its only advantage: my happy fisheye lens can attach to the canon, but not to the dslr or the SQ. i’d have to buy a new one. so sad! it’s just another one of those times that i wish i had a job (prolly not the monitor tech one that nearly drove me insane). could i buy both? probably not. i’d rather get one and spend the rest on a nice vacation. so now i’m rambling. that’s what lack of sleep does, i guess.

oh well. back to school. one more exam, one more late night with my books, one more night without my boy.

it seems like fall has come and gone without even bothering to consult me. i had a few brief glimpses of the turning of the leaves– and made a mental note to go out and try to capture them on film…. but before i knew it, everything died and now i’m stuck looking at cold, bare trees. no love, i tell you.

the only promising thing– the trees in front of my house have long lost their leaves– and have begun to sprout brand new bright red ones. i’m looking forward to the spring blossoms that decorate the path to my apartment every year.

the sun has come out this morning just in time for me to hide myself away in those desolate, windowless rooms at school. i must study now.

ugh.

as i was browsing through photoblogs, i came across a statement that i think is so beautifully poetic, and so wonderfully describes how i feel about my ryan and our whirly twirly relationship.

i have a profound love : the sort that makes me want to write a letter to every person I ever uttered the words “I love you” to and apologize profusely and sincerely for the terrible, terrible lies I told, however unwittingly.

… as i spin spin spin…. and laugh as i remember those people who told me that the butterflies don’t last for long. it’s too bad i can’t put the words to music and sing them while skipping through a field while tossing daisies in the air.

strangely enough, i remembered a lot of what i dreamt last night– mostly because i didn’t want to wake up. a large part of the dream consisted of me running through an airport/hospital trying to find the room that my dad was staying in. i dreamt that we were holding his hands and he woke up and started squeezing ours in return. then he opened up both of his eyes and started talking again. we were able to walk over to the couch together and sit down. i don’t know why i ever left him– i think annie and i got drinks or something. but for some reason we couldn’t find our way back– i couldn’t remember the right room– what floor it was– and the whole place just looked unfamiliar. the rest is just a blur now– i don’t remember if i ever found his room again….

Dream Dictionary Definitions:
Dreaming that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing. Dreaming that someone else is lost, represents unresolved issues or feelings regarding the person that is lost. Consider also what aspect of that person you may have lost within your own self. Perhaps you need to recapture and re-acknowledge those aspects.

Dreaming that you are cooking means your desire desire to influence others in such a way that they will like you or become dependent on you. Alternatively, it represents your nurturing side or wanting to be nurtured. You want to be loved. Dreaming that you have difficulties cooking indicates that you are trying too hard.

Echo
I think about your face / And how I fall into your eyes / The outline that I trace / Around the one that I call mine / Time that called for space / Unclear where you drew the line / I don’t need to solve this case / And I don’t need to look behind // Close my eyes / Let the whole thing pass me by / There is no time / To waste asking why // So I’ll run away with you by my side / I need to let go of this pride / Until this echo in my mind // Before this echo can subside / Do I expect to change / The past I hold inside / With all the words I say / Repeating over in my mind / Some things you can’t erase / No matter how hard you try / An exit to escape/ Is all there is left to find

i had a lazy evening tonight. ryan, the mom, and i ate pho and watched ryan and trista’s wedding on tv. i think i’m jealous. the kids had a $15k cake! i wonder what it tastes like. i wonder if my whole wedding will cost that much.

time for bed.

i’ve been leaning on my friends quite a bit lately– they’ve been taking care of me more than i would have expected– although i wouldn’t have expected less…. somehow. it’s hard to explain. since the funeral, i’ve been playing catch-up at school– and stressing out about it to the point where sometimes i can’t sleep. …but then there’s henry, who spent the weekend getting me up to speed when he could have been studying, and there’s cat, who on her own volition, sent me notes for all my classes, and then there’s susan and francisca– whose house i crashed late last night for last minute studying when i didn’t want to be alone. sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever be as good a friend if i was given the opportunity. we’ll have to wait and see.

for now, i’ll just float along and try to get back to a “normal” place in my life– all the while trudging through the marathon/sprint of finals. at least my next final will be open-book– i think my brain needs a rest.

i see this bumper sticker now and then, and i really like the quote, although i don’t know where it comes from– or if it comes from anywhere besides the bumper sticker factory.

“and in life there is an orchestra of things both major and minor keys, but love will always sing”

it’s been a long week– struggling to function at school while adjusting to life without a father. it’s a strange feeling– and i’m constantly reminded that my “parents” have been reduced to “parent” and i have to correct myself.

hopefully, my finals will go well, and i’ll be able to spend a good amount of time with my family. we’ll clean the house, organize the paperwork, and perhaps take a short vacation. christmas shopping will be non-existant. i haven’t yet caught on to the holiday spirit.

i want to thank all of the people that helped my family out during the past few months– but i can’t seem to make myself sit down and relive the whole thing. perhaps later– when i can’t distract myself with schoolwork.