the key
we get a call into the ER that a patient is coming in from our friendly neighborhood psych facility… because she has inserted 2 keys and a keychain up her butt. while we wait for the patient, the nurses speculate to whether we can just grab and pull the keys out without causing massive bleeding– someone suggests inserting a speculum (ouch), someone else suggests inserting a lock.
the patient arrives, and x-ray of the abdomen and pelvis show only one key, and it’s in the vagina. whew. the doc and i go into the room together to see if we can retrieve it.
doc: so, you’ve stuck a key in your vagina.
pt: [smiling] ooooooooh! BUSTED!
doc: ???
pt: if i take it out, can i go home?
doc: [in a strangely patronizing tone] yes, if you take it out, you can go home.
pt: ok! [proceeds to fish around under her blankets] i’m on my menstrual period.
the patient then pulls out a horribly bloody key, and tries to hand it to the doc, who steps away quickly. the patient’s caregiver quickly produces an emesis basin where the patient promptly drops the key.
the end.
